Bug Off and Leave Me Alone - an Interview with Essa Haniri

This morning I woke to the sound of Nordan banging on my door. After a brief struggle over the light-switch and some colorful language, Nordan notified me that I had apparently won some sort of award . . .

What in the world? But there it was. Along with a slew of questions that I’m supposed to answer. Nordan made me swear that I’d be honest and polite. Whatever. Like that’s going to happen. He’ll probably kill me again, but I don’t care. I just want to get back to bed. So I’ll make this short and sweet.

Raptor: Where were you born? What is your mother’s name?

What was my mother’s name. Was. Finally, I get to use the past tense when I talk about her. She’s dead, thank goodness, and has been for around four years. Arvarel Corbane was her name. She was a Jedi Knight that my father fought, discipled and married. I guess you could say that I’m her miracle baby, although I never got the feeling that my birth was regarded as a miracle. More of a nuisance. You see, it had been many years since Gnawthrul’s birth and my mother was getting older. They weren’t expecting more children. Surprise, surprise, Mommy--the stork’s paying you another visit. I was born on a spaceshuttle on its way to Korriban. Mother said I was a big, squally infant. Jaundiced and wrinkled up like a baby bird.

Raptor: What do you think of your child?

Oh gosh. You mean Lessa, right? Well, I’m not a motherly sort of person. The very idea is laughable. Ridiculous. We’re such a paradox. Under normal conditions I would have refused to take her in, but somehow Lessa squeezed her way into my sympathies. Maybe it had something to do with all those hugs. Fine. I admit, Lessa’s special. I love her. And don’t give me that look.

Raptor: Do you like being a bounty hunter?

Sure. I like the money. I like the excitement, and I like to see new places. However, there are certain aspects that I hate. Like dealing with Hutts, being kidnapped by Besalisks, chased down the street by Padawans, pinned down by Umbarans, betrayed by my comrades, being wanted in fourteen systems, making hit lists, losing lightsabers in toilets, being lured into traps by evil governors, being tackled by former business associates, having my daughter be carbonated and losing teeth.

Leilani: What’s your favorite color?

I never really thought about that before, but now that you mention it, I guess it’s green.

Warrior: What was the name of the spaceshuttle you were born on?

The Alliance. Ha. The irony. Haniris don’t have allies. I don’t know what my Father was thinking when he named the stupid thing.

Warrior: Have you ever been called “Essie”?

Essie? Essie? Are you kidding me? The first person who calls me that is gonna be plugged full of holes like Swiss cheese. So no, I’ve never been called Essie. And I wouldn’t recommend that.

Warrior: Are you shorter than me? (please say yes, please say yes. XD)

Well, I’m 5’5’’. But if you’re taller than that, then I’ll just get myself a pair of thick soled boots and gain a few inches.

Warrior: What’s wrong with you? (XP)

What’s wrong with me? I’m the one with a problem here? If anyone has a problem, it’s you all. You think I’m crazy, and yet you spend your time speculating over my friends’ deaths and pitting us against each other. 

Leilani: What was the worst moment of your life?

You people like to ask hard questions, don’t you?

Worst moment of my life . . . hmmm. That’s a hard one. Maybe when I was trapped between Gnawthrul and Travar. Pinned between my psychotic brother and a mind-reading Jedi who can turn invisible. They both hated me and wanted my head. I honestly don’t know how I escaped from that one. If that’s not the worst moment, then probably when Aria and Saraide had me tied up. Both experiences were stressful and almost resulted in my death. But I’m alive . . . in your face, Jedi!

Leilani: What was the best moment of your life?

Best moment? When Cade and I brought in a 100,000 RC bounty, and spent the money all in one frivolous night. We went to this sleek hotel in the best area of Coruscant and ate plates and plates of the best food. Platters of cold meat cut so thin it almost melts in your mouth, tiny sugar sculptures shaped like flowers, bowls of creamy soup, huge trays of fruit . . . we ate until we literally threw up. Cade gambled, I somehow stuffed more food down my gullet. After about thirteen hours of that, we had blown all our money and had to go back onto the street. But it sure was fun.

Leilani: If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?

Ugh . . . I should have seen this question coming.

I eventually betrayed Cade. One night I’d had enough. Things between us had grown complicated--we were arguing back and forth over money, and his position with the Jedi had grown unstable. So I slit his throat for a 20,000 RC bounty posted by the Jedi Council. It was fairly straightforward after that: throw the body in the back of the ship, fly down to Tython, collect the reward. I don’t feel “guilt” over my actions, but if I had the choice to undo them, I would. Not out of regret, but out of curiosity.

Leilani: Of everywhere you’ve been, what place is your favorite?

Mos Eisley’s my favorite--hands down. Good food, good bounties, good spaceport, bad crime. Perfect for me. You can buy almost anything off the black market, the climate is similar to Korriban’s, and there’s always plenty of business for an enterprising bounty hunter.

Leilani: Do you like donuts?

Is that even a question? All CaC2 characters love donuts.

Jorus Travar: How do you feel about me?

Augh! How did you find me?

. . . How do I feel about you? Well, I think it’s obvious that you scare me. You certainly made an impression the first time we met. After reading my mind, pinning me to the floor, disappearing, and almost cutting my arm off . . . well . . . you made me sorry for ever crossing your path. Please, please, please forgive me. I just want to go on with my life. I’m sorry for shooting at you. I’m sorry for throwing a bomb in the Jedi Council Chambers, letting all the prisoners free, stealing the Green Shadow and trying to bribe you. Can’t you see that I’m not worth your time? Let’s forget the attack on the Temple and move on. I don’t want to be constantly looking over my shoulder.

Gamemaster: Who was your favorite brother, Gnawthrul or Nordan? (If you had to choose)

Finally, an easy question. Nordan was my favorite. He was never kind, but at the same time he didn’t like to chase me around the estate with a hammer--unlike a certain Sith who will go unnamed. Nordan needs a reason before he does anything, making him slightly more predictable.

Gamemaster: If it came down to it, if one of you had to die, would you kill Alessa?

What? Are you planning something?

I . . . well . . . I don’t . . . I suppose that if I had to, I would . . . die instead of Lessa. But I don’t intend to play the hero anytime soon, all right? I plan on hanging around for a looooong time. So don’t get any ideas. I’m talking to you, Gamemaster.

Gamemaster: Have you ever felt guilt about anything in your life?

Define guilt. And see Leilani’s third question.

Gamemaster: On a scale of 1-10, how powerful are you in the force?

I’m gonna assume that 10 is the most powerful you can be, and 1 is insensitive to the force. When I first started my training under Nordan and the training masters, they said I had potential. I’m a rage-monster and throw frequent tantrums, so there’s no problem with the emotions aspect. I certainly had the firepower. But instead of developing my talent, I squandered it. I didn’t put in the work during training. So instead of being an 8 like the rest of my family, I’m somewhere between 4 and 5.

Gamemaster: Why is Gamey so awesome?

Oh, look at the time. I need to be going now. I've got work to do. Bounties to hunt. Fortunes to be made. Adventures to be had. Anyway, thanks for voting--and good luck to all of the characters running for the November awards. I guess this is my roundabout way of saying goodbye.

I’ll see you later. You just won’t see me.

Essa Haniri

Bounty Hunter